It’s raining in Prague today and we are experiencing one of those wet, bleeding cold fall seasons. Each time I am in Prague, the summer or fall or whatever season I am here, it does not seem to resemble at all how last year’s season went. The city keeps changing, drudging slowly through time and adapting its old, cobbled streets to more progressive ideas. I see more people now taking action, standing together for something they feel is right, and more people having the courage and initiative to have integrity and follow through on their words. And against all odds, I can see myself slowly adjusting to an idea of living back here one day, maybe, why not. Yet that doesn’t change anything about the fact that I have gone through another night with intermittent naps and email checks, waiting for my visa to Australia to be finally granted.
It’s starting to look like I may need to postpone my start date by one week at least, which is hardly ideal and just keeps me in this strange and futile transition. Waiting instead of doing. That is one thing that hasn’t changed in the past year – still unwilling as fuck to keep waiting for the world to order itself.
I hinted at it earlier, somewhere, in some conversations at least that there exists a whole lot of little shifts in me that were brought by the strange events in the past year.
I still suck at it and I will continue to do so but I am better. I can concentrate on what needs to be done now instead of where I want to be in five years. I can almost feel myself consciously deciding things, although that part is still hugely questionable. Focus means being patient and letting myself fail repeatedly.
Getting maybe too good at this. Clear boundaries that others pick up on faster than on how to pronounce my name. Countless late night passion followed by disinterested mornings. Strict independence and never doing something I didn’t want. Having enough to pay the bills for myself and my friends on the occasional celebratory night out. Separation of the essential from almost everyone, including myself. Delineation means not being attached; cultivating a thin border of vacuum between me and everything else.
Always there. There are moments in my life when I think I am only ever motivated by experience. And the most addictive part? Experiencing how others react. I’m often rude, outrageous, uncharacteristically kind, emotional wreck, having no sympathy, having too much sympathy, searching for people, enjoying their idea of intimacy, of excitement, pouring myself into their world, leaving again without need or want, stepping on boundaries, saying the wrong thing, disrespecting weakness, leaving pieces behind for others to clean up, perpetuating the mystery just for the fun of it, playing games, winning nothing. Experience means doing things I have no idea about just to obliterate the world.