I wrote a different piece here before but now that I come back to it, it becomes easier to accept things as they are. There must be a certain touch of predestination in everything that becomes my life because how else can I explain the almost maddening struggle to meet a person with whom the world is worth experiencing. There were the intense commotions that went on for a couple of months here and for a couple of years there. But just like any disturbance, they died down of their own will and before I even had a chance to feel like I was in control.
And then there were the equally intense short flares of being present and being loved and being in control (sometimes). They were never meaningless per se, but they did lack my willingness to think about more than the next second and the next touch.
And now there is just a reality that forces me to be an adult even though I am still a naive, scared child who thinks they can handle themselves but instead flail their arms feebly to hold on to some of that control. And then there’s the moments of role-playing that start to come so naturally to me that I wonder if there even is something at the bottom or if the emotions are no longer mine but rather shared, fluid, and corrupted.
And then I think – will there ever be a time to accept things as they are or will we all just always beat on, boats against the current, and so on…