I’ve been going back to old music and old thoughts. At school, my life made sense. Science made sense, life was lived in days, there were concrete tasks that had to be completed, people just wanted to feel welcome. Today the hours are different, filled with music that doesn’t make sense but I still listen to it. I can’t quite tell what I am contributing towards. And I do not feel welcome. In all the countries I pass through, all the people I speak to, there is a sense of distance. I find it hard to have enough energy to just be part of it and I definitely don’t feel like I can ever make sense of it all.
In this new world and life of mine, I am lacking a stable spot – a home, a lover, a stable work. And yet at the same time I rationally recognize that this is the best it’s ever been. There is enough freedom for me to breathe. But there’s also too much freedom so I get caught in justifying it all to everyone else. Every day I wonder if people who work in a coffeeshop are able to just do their shift on a comfortable autopilot, trying to make the best out of it with some little sideways foamy milky art and reserved smiles. Sometimes I am jealous of people who can take solstice in those moments even though their life is as much of a blizzard as everyone’s.
I find myself in a company of strong-willed people, sharing their point of view with a certain air of assurance that makes me feel insecure. When I deliver on an ask from one side, I have to immediately justify why I did that to another side. I am holding a rope tight between all of us and I am not sure what could happen if I just stopped. I am not sure what questions I should be asking or what answers are the ones they are looking for. I only feel sure about my work. In the moments with clients it all makes sense. It’s clear why we are there, talking about the world the way we do. But the second that meeting disperses, it’s no longer clear why it all happened in the first place.
And some days I love it. And some days I’m tired.
Music as of late: Dawes – That Western Skyline