I have been thinking lately about my interesting feelings regarding my upcoming move to Australia. This will be the fifth country in which I will have lived in the past 10 years and each time before this one, it somehow felt more seamless. When they asked me at my Google interview a year back whether I would consider living in Wroclaw, Poland, my brain did not even think for a second about it and my heart didn’t skip a single beat. I was like whatever. I think I answered something to the extent that discovery shouldn’t be squashed before it even started. But this time around I am being completely displaced by my conflicting feelings about moving.
Recently discovery started to mean more to me than just seeing new things, understanding new concepts, or learning about new people. It started to mean to go back to place I thought I knew with a pair of new eyes. I have grown, just like the people around me have as well. And never has it felt more freeing or more exciting to acknowledge that this version of myself will only be around for a couple more months, a couple more ups and downs. I am starting to understand what people mean by the journey, the road less traveled, the I went into the woods moments. I have gained a strange, erratic, nervous kind of energy here and it reflects in my thoughts about the move. Somewhere deeper inside me, I need to find a calmer place from which I will be able to go, see, and experience without any prejudice and without a thought to put perspectives into a neatly solved mosaic of human experience.
This time around I will just go there without a thought of what’s next. It’s crazy to think that I have not yet figured out what I want from life or from this month or this day. I thought that by now I will be at least working towards some goal or another and instead I find myself shifting from one perspective to the next, changing my ideas fluidly as if they never belonged to me, as if I was only a temporary vessel for thinking this or that, feeling this or that, living in the way people live.
I guess one could say that I am just now learning how to be conscious in my own world. How to make informed decisions and how to go somewhere for the sake of going. It will take some time, will it not?