Whatever you do, don’t come back for me

It’s one of those weeks when I feel very happy with my work and about my work. I love that my work allows me to be a product expert and help other at the same time. I am starting to love that I am in a global team now and I am appreciating very much the challenges that come with it. This week, I surprised myself.

It’s one of those evenings now when I am reminiscing. It happens more often the older I get. I am not holding onto the past, but I do long for a momentary experience of a feeling I used to have. I remember some details so vividly and with so much clarity that I am sure my mind constructed almost the whole scene for me and replaced whatever integrity there used to be with sweet concoction of excitement.

What is love?

Right now I think there is so much love in forgiving a person for who they are. Letting them go be their own self, letting them go on about their own business even when you get caught up in the middle of it all. And that is why I am just so relieved that after my performance review, there is nothing poisoned that is tying me back to my last job. And I let go and I was able to forgive the enormous malice and thinly concealed spite in words that lacked any sincerity. I let it go because she may be as lost as I once was on a path that didn’t seem to lead anywhere else besides deeper inwards. We are becoming fallacious in our own eyes. After months of twisting and turning this way and that, it is no longer necessary to pretend that we care. And the biggest surprise of all – I did not care.

I left a team that was stronger than water and now I see it slowly disintegrate thanks to the mistrust, malice, and paranoia that is being ingested into it from above. Although split apart, I will not abandon the idea of who and what we used to be together and I will go on supporting that from any corner of the world.

One day we will meet again and we will celebrate.