And if you’re ever around

I listened to the whole Meds album after a very long time and it’s still as good and raw and angry as ever. It made me think about how crazy it is that Brian Molko has a kid and wife nowadays when all I though would happen to him is early death, gender swapping, and/or owning a dodgy club somewhere. It’s almost like this Brian Molko is just a completely different person, which I wouldn’t probably say if I knew him and saw him evolve into who he is today.

But it still made me appreciate the bittersweet ending in Queer as Folk and how the creators chose to keep Brian eternally young and tied to Pittsburg. In a sense, Kinney always reflected what became of the city in each season and leaving it would mean leaving behind all that he was or at least believed himself to be.

It scares me a bit how slow the life here in Sydney is. People seem to be satisfied with whatever point in their life they are at now. They don’t have the American ambition and strive for recognition, nor do they have the British self-criticism and focus on meaningful, practical improvements. I have developed an odd sense of apathy or maybe one would call it calm or presence, yet I am more curious than ever to understand where this is coming from. One surprising instance is that I’m not actively planning my future or that I am not on the lookout for what’s next. Instead, I miss having friends around and feeling like I belong.

In US I felt terribly old – old to accomplish all the things I wanted to – but here I feel terribly young – like I lack the experience and confidence to even understand myself better. In one instance I care too much and I don’t care at all – but it doesn’t feel like a battle; rather it feels terribly normal and mundane, like everyone is the same way, incapable of any real decisions or feelings. I’m definitely becoming more like that – like someone who just lives by the world’s rules and somehow I am not missing the too proud, fighting, and determined me that I used be. But MedsMeds always feels the same – thankfully.

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