The thing is I don’t know what to say

Today is the last day before going back to work and although I join my friends with the groaning, I honestly couldn’t be happier to keep my mind busy again with work. The last couple of days were good in getting me to push myself on my promise to grow more this year and I did finish some reading etc. that I wanted to do for a while. I was even marginally productive when it came to creating with dabbling in some writing again and thinking about ides for cool things.

There’s some videos I’d like to do once my camera arrives from Europe and there are some unfinished mixes/compositions I’ve been working on but did not feel like sharing really. There are moments when I remember the few people in my life with whom I wanted to share what I created, but they are now in a completely different place than me.

I’ve been seeing some men but the whole situation has been confusing, bitter, but also exciting. I am holding back so much for the fear of being hurt. The thing is I don’t know what to say anymore, or how to just be a normal human being and not someone who gets excited about the idea of love. I fear that I’ll never be able to share the bad anymore. I fear that I will just have to pretend to be the cool girl. But the reality is that there’s so much I haven’t even acknowledged to myself yet that any pretense of a cool girl will fall in those moments when I think about how stupidly hollow I feel.

I want to think about where I will be next year and what I will be doing and not whether I will have to move alone again, burning bridges while I am still standing on them. I hate that I need to constantly keep myself in check and guarded in order to not feel too much, and not too little. Sometimes I just want those years of my life to just fly by as quickly as possible so that I could be already on the other side and know that I made it – that I am where I am supposed to be with someone I love wholly.

But I still have so many years in front of me full of failing, just like we all do. I just wish I could accept them calmly or even with joy instead of feeling tired and participating in other people’s games.

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