Taking a moment to write in an otherwise busy and emotionally draining week. There are so many instances when I completely confuse myself – the things that I for some reason want and the reasons why I don’t want to give up are both awfully familiar and foreign. I feel deeply uninspired with how I am handling my life now – Sydney being just another city, work problems being just the same, words becoming twisted in an accustomed manner.
I realize that previously I was discontent with one aspect of my life and my desire to change it drove me to new places and to meet new people. But I have not been so discontent with everything in a long time, probably since high school, that I am a bit unsure what to do with myself in this situation. And there isn’t much one can do, is there. Just continuing living, in and out, morning turning into evening like the slowest possible wave, welcomed night coming at last only to dream awake, trouble myself awake, breathe awake.
I’ve been thinking about the moments that made me so fucked up in the last years. It is completely unbelievable that somehow I find myself in a position again where I lose both – my pride and respect for myself, and the person I am so pathetically fighting for. And there isn’t much one can do. All we can commit are our actions, but if we lack those than how can we claim to be fully human? Simply following the easiest instincts at any given moment, without a thought to how inaction can spin the world around us to become more deviant, more isolated.
It was so naive to think that my path of purgatory would be over after all these years. It is simply never over – there are just moments when one becomes drunk on wine or drunk on love, only to be spit out by the existential spleen in the next moment, reminded that there is no stable ground on which we stand that could be shared with anyone else. I am concerned that my thinking is becoming fatalistic and weak. I am even more concerned that the only thing I want in life is to feel like I belong to something, to someone, to a family, to a city, to an idea.
Music as of late: Klangkarussell – Symmetry