I thought I could wait with everything culminating in such a short time, but I am not sure if I can wait. There is so much I want to say and so many words that feel too alien and too weak for the depth of what needs to be said. Friday and Saturday were good and I felt in control, but today I inexplicably cried again. What hurts the most are all of the friendships, all of the lives that we used to be part of, but now are just superficially aware of them.
In the last couple of years, I changed only fro the better. I still am who I used to be but now that no longer feels like enough – every day I want to strive to overcome what is at the core. I try, and fail (but less so each new month), at being here, being kind, giving it my all. I realize that no matter how much it hurts and how raw one feels without their pride or without any respect from people they thought of as friends, I realize that at the end of the day, we can all just strive to take it all in and give it our best in return.
I used to be so angry and only now do I know from what place that anger came – my own insecurity, my own failings, my own inability to let myself just breathe and just be there. I used to have rational beliefs about people, love, relationships, and growth but my actions never followed through, often hurting someone in the process of my desperate attempts to appear as whatever I felt I needed to appear as.
For so many years, I never explored who I was or even better who I could become with some work. I simply stuck to a pretense that I never knew wasn’t real. Just like people who are colorblind often learn about their disability much later in their life, I too am only now accepting that there is something seriously wrong with me that I need to actively overcome each day. Just like them, pretending to understand the color difference between the go and stop traffic light while simply developing a worldview where up means stop and down means go, I too got caught up in my own reality, my own bias. Every day now, I peel at it a little bit and slowly reveal to myself the cracks.
This process comes with an enormous amount of psychological struggle, especially when I need to acknowledge and ultimately accept all of the times I was an arrogant, unkind, cruel, and altogether disgraceful person. There is no shame and no anger – there is a simple recognition only, a recognition of failing myself and others at the most simple task of simply being a human. He will probably never know how much he taught me. I just wasn’t ready then – too immature to listen, too scared to look myself in the eye.
But now, if there’s still any hope, I’ll give it my all.