I don’t just have weak days when I go back over what was said and prepare myself for the likely scenarios. And I don’t just have thoughts that go in a circle and push and pull on every tired nerve in my body. There aren’t just minutes when concentration flees and I feel horribly lost. There are some good moments too, filled with calm periods of reading and chaotic period of laughter. And so what is here, on those pages, it is not the whole of me, perhaps not even half of me. Every day that other carefree half is growing and taking charge and making decisions that propel me in a safe direction. But every day the weather gets hot and muddy and a thought escapes and I think about the future. Or it’s a feeling that presses on my stomach and settles in my lungs like heavy lead. And those are the days when I write.
I rarely write for myself because I rarely go back to read these. Usually, I write for someone, to share what’s been struggling to get out free. Two of the most telling signs of becoming an adult must be an overall emotional balance and not having close enough friends to completely feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with. I never before completely understood the scenes in movies and series where characters get into so much trouble and emotional turmoil simply because they do not trust to share their situation with others, or refuse to do so for some inexplicable reason. They feel in control and yet we watch them, knowing well that they are not in control.
Real world is kind of like that, except we seldom acknowledge that all the confident and well-presented people around us may not be in control. Sometime in the past months, I stopped seeing professional success and personal achievement as something to be proud of and something to aspire to. Instead, gaining the trust of another person is the only aim I wake up to in those hot and muddy mornings. There are still days when despite my internal battle, I set up expectations. And on most of those days, the reality never fills in as expected, leaving behind empty spaces of derision and despair. Aim for the trust, ignore the presumptions. You’ll be ok one day.
Music as of late: Lady Gaga – Til It Happens To You