The discussion did not solve anything and did not move us anywhere and so now I’ll just let it fade out. There’s no reason to give it a second thought or be a friend to someone who is not a friend to me. Trying to become a better person by being kinder, more understanding, less selfish has so far led me only to a strange emotional and psychological exploitation, which is a new experience for me. There are some things stemming from this experience that I can’t really explain – the fact that I do not experience any feelings in either direction of the scale, or that my mind has become quiet and unwilling to participate in the usual social chatter, or that quality content and writing has filled in the gaps again with extraordinary ease.
Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in Sydney. Sailing in the harbor with a comfortable and amazing group of friends, drinks in the sailing club and listening to stories of people wanting to sail to the other side of the world, walking through a neighborhood that felt like home, an altogether beautiful presentation of Italian food, wine, and cheer, only to be followed by drinks in that curious little place again – Eau de Vie – and King’s Cross filled with life and energy, all leading to myself looking at Bosch’s Temptation of St. Anthony triptych in the morning after. This is my life now. And so letting go of whatever I thought I had before is as easy as breathing out in relief.
I want to focus on traveling more and simply exploring more – spending this new life in new places and letting my mind explore again the old ideas of beauty. I feel like I am in the middle of developing a feeling of contentment.
Music as of late: The Avener, Phoebe Killdeer – Fade Out Lines