What happens when life breaks down; when there is systemic contradiction? This week has put me on the right trajectory. I am cutting ties with all that does not bring value, all which wastes the little minutes we were given, all that keep me in one place, mentally and emotionally.
I make plans again and it feels good to re-take ownership of myself. I still want to belong and be part of something but it is humbling to see that I still have enough esteem for myself. It comes with a relief to know that now there is pain and isolation and words I want to say, both good and bad, but I am able – actually physically capable – to be still, to have integrity, to be selfish enough to take back my freedom.
Time passes so fast here but it still feels like forever; almost as if each second has been stretched out to its maximum capacity but then broke of at the very height of tension so quickly as if it never was there. The sun too slowly extends its reach over to the horizon but then when the border of the solid body touches the water, it is over even before it started. Every day added in between us fills the painful void with mundane events that require attention. And again it comes with the utmost relief that I still have control over where my attention is directed. In those moments, it is understood.
Liberation. Giving yourself the permission to just occupy this space at this moment and to untie yourself from what is not essential.
Music as of late: Harold van Lennep – Liberation