Inadequate

And is it so bad if I want to experience passion again? Is that just something I should keep quiet about and not let it spoil whoever you think I am? Haven’t I walked the miles that separated us before? And did I not love you beyond the present time?

There are times when I can’t even write about any of this just so I don’t have to experience it again and then there are the times when I need to write a simple text that does not say much but hints at a lot. And how can it happen that one day I am perfectly rational about everything that’s happening and the next all I want is to let my thoughts be consumed. And is it not enough that I am here and I want to continue being here and that I have so much that I want to give and so much that I want to make just right?

It took so many confusing years to get to this one point, but still – to you I am wise but naive, old soul but too young to understand where my own life is taking me. And isn’t it just unfair that all I am is the same confused person walking forward because that’s what people do with the hope that one day I can find a reason to stop. And am I foolish if I want that to be you? If I just want to stop now, want to be guided, want to be plucked out of the mess of my life and incorporated into your life – if I want that, is that so bad?

And do you not see all those reasons I have to wish not to be an achiever anymore, not to be seen as someone who comes, takes it all, and leaves? Because all I know is that I come, I misplace a part of myself, and then leave before I let you discover what a terribly mundane person I truly am. And don’t you get it that I would give anything to just be disciplined in science, or ferocious in arts, or committed to business? Because at the core all I want from life is so average, so unimpressive, so pathetic that I see it as my greatest weakness – love.

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