Commit and connect

This month has been difficult in every aspect, leaving me dissatisfied with my work, my path, the connections I managed to slowly build over here, the interests that came back for a second just to be forgotten again, etc. Life came to me and almost every aspect of it was not constructed by me.

  • At work I got stuck with a particular part of the product that is universally considered chaotic and hard without a very clear idea how the knowledge of this area would improve my career path or be of any help outside of the very specific technical details.
  • In friendships, I got into a mode of surviving without offering too much in return, getting stuck between accepting an invitation somewhere and not knowing what to do with myself when there.
  • In relationships, basically all is dissatisfying, frustrating, and never leading to happy moments anymore. And I feel cursed that again I am stuck in a position where I need to make the decision – the only right decision – without being marginally respected for how stupidly hard it is to make that decision and to live with myself afterwards.
  • In life there were bright moments when routine slowly set in and even reading came easy again only to be left completely aimless at the end of the month, not knowing why everything brings so much anxiety suddenly and not even weights help forget.

Yet at the very moment when I am writing this, everything seems to be slowly aligning itself into a clear path – I need to commit and connect again. I had a complete epiphany tonight about the project at work and I suddenly see exactly where my skills fit in and how much on the brink of the future this product is positioned.

Friendships are becoming more refined and there is an assurance that I have people around me with whom I can feel more like myself. I feel more settled now than ever since the first week in Sydney. When it comes to relationships, that will take care of itself – the longer the situation continues, the less attractive it is for me. And then a point will come, soon enough, when quitting will be as easy as burning my morning toast.

Getting more comfortable with how aimless I feel is a good thing, I guess, so I’ll just push through. All I need to do is find a side project that will slowly but surely elevate everything to a realm where I see diverse and diverging paths again. Not being isolated with one idea, one industry, one life is essential. I need to commit and connect to myself and not anyone else for the time being. That will hopefully keep me far enough from Camus’s ultimate question of philosophy.