I’ve had this editor open for a couple of days. I would start a paragraph only to delete it soon after, get distracted, or not feel like it is coming from any specific place that is worth sharing. For as long as I have not written, I was able to centralize the turmoils and control the waves of instinct and emotion and mistakes all thinly veiled as decisions. It was another one of those weeks that was not very eventful and yet a lot seemed to have happened somehow.
I’ve been in Sydney for over four months now and it definitely feels like time runs faster here but also somehow deeper. If this relocation was good for anything, it definitely was good for getting to know myself. If the US built in me a skeleton of who I would eventually become, I feel like now I am close to filling it with flesh and blood, coming to a semblance of an autonomous being. I really do mentally feel like I am growing up – I constantly surprise myself at how I handle certain situations and how better my mistakes have become now. There is still the 10% of time when I simply cannot not behave childish and naive and let myself be overtaken by the moment, but if I didn’t have those 10% I am not sure I would even recognize myself.
Growing up to me means that I have a confidence that I am able to make better mistakes tomorrow; that there is at least a partial learning from every situation I am in and every art and book I consume. It may sound insane, especially since I studied philosophy and literature, but I never quite felt like I could learn from books – I read them for their beauty, not for their moral or other values. I loved the writing and how the imagery made me sway in a new world without the regular boundaries and I didn’t give too many thoughts to evaluating particular arguments as long as they were beautiful to me. And so it often turned out that I loved the aesthetics of philosophies and literatures that made opposing comments about reality without caring too much about their seemingly conflicting views and my altogether silent mind in that respect.
My mind has been calming now and I am learning again and learning differently – reflecting more often on what I read and having more thoughts on how future will be in practice as opposed to merely in aesthetics. And I love that I am suddenly gaining a new dimension to my usual aesthetic view – for once I am able to discuss beauty and not simply be consumed by it. For once, I am able to build something beautiful and not simply consume it.
Sydney has been good. The people in my life have been good. There are so many more years to live through and so many more memories to make together and for once I want those moments and those people to last.