To see the birth of all that isn’t now

Every day getting stronger and making the next step. Keeping distance from disappointment, reaching out for moments of peace and feeling like myself again. Feeling better than myself, even. It does not matter anymore whether I feel happy or not because I feel like I belong. Belong to myself.

I listen to my music, discovering new sounds and mixes because I want to explore what else is there. I watch movies that I have needed to see for years now. I complete my journeys. I wake up before the sun is up to challenge myself with progressive weights or words from novels that used to collect dust on my bookshelf. I organize my space and let myself slip in and out of focus as I day dream. I am realistic.

This past week I let him see who I think I am now because much of that work that I put into myself is still only thanks to him. I felt like crying at times because I was so relieved that I felt safe and complete again. There are just days ahead now. No more days in the past swallowing up the choices of tomorrows.

I choose to feel and be more vulnerable than ever before because I am strong enough to handle the falls today. And seeing the large waves crash into the rocky shore and being there for the moments when they held my body tight against the sand – not fighting, but not letting go, just waiting for them to reveal me again back at the shore – I felt myself to be in a state of quiet happiness. Starting to understand this, maybe.

Music as of late: Placebo – Loud Like Love

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