Today I met someone who reminded me of myself in the sense that he was trying very hard to get a reaction out of people around him. Starting with little comments here and there, and progressing even towards some serious passive aggressiveness masked as a joke with the expectation that others will let it slide by meeting him half there in the humorous realm. I was not amused, but I was also not offended. Time went by and all he was then was part of the background.
The years that are coming now will probably not be tough but they will be slow and they need to be lived with full attention. The moments where consciousness slips away and we allow ourselves to go through each minute as an automaton become the moments when we lose ourselves. And such a losing is not of the beautiful kind one achieves in love and ecstasy but rather of a lonely and pathetic slipping away of qualities that define us. Unhappiness often comes either in the form of external reality not meeting our expectations or in the form of us not meeting our expectations for who we want to be (or already believe are).
I am trying to focus on giving back, but it has always been easier for me to just be there instead of give back. I am not skilled with words of gratitude and admiration and I get teary and confused and embarrassed when trying to push it too hard. But there simply isn’t enough times when it is sufficient to just be there for others. So the next thing I need to be is someone who gives back and lets someone else belong, too.