There are times when I am not really sure why I make the decisions I do – but then they feel good, they feel right, they feel like they move me to the place I should have been in all along. Life just slowly escapes before we can grasp what it’s all about. Each day feels distinctly new even with all of the elements that could make it seem like any mundane day, coming in a row of days, one like the other, uneventful, unashamed.
Friends tell me I take life too seriously, even when there is no need. They say, life should be like this, but you take it like that. But who cares anyway. I have a hard enough time to understand what I am, what I want, what I need to be to others to even have a left over energy to worry about what others are or what they want. There’s moments of laughter and he makes me laugh. And there’s moments of ‘what’s the point again?’ and those come as often as laughter and carry as much weight.
I am as young as I will ever be and I shouldn’t worry about the things that someone twice my age is unable to solve himself. I shouldn’t be having a career anyway. I should be exploring quietly and breathing hard with excitement. At least last night proved that I can still be clear, honest, transparent, and naked in front of someone who can use that, take that and twist that into dirt. I learned not to expect anything from him. But I also learned to expect only excellence from myself. And in a year, in ten years that will be always the only thing that will matter – that I did not disappoint myself.
And as days become weeks, somehow Sydney does seem to grow closer to my heart because it is oh so easy here to feel like I can mature. There is no push until I am ready to make it myself. There is no inspiration until I am able to inspire myself. The life here is crafted, the life here is the art I’ve been seeking. And all else will follow if I have trust in the unknown.
Music as of late: Nina Simone – Feeling Good