Ok, I didn’t write because my thoughts simply did not appear in ready sentences and because feeling was easier than comprehending, touching far simpler than dreaming. In the days that I turned silent, I decided to get out of here for a while, booked a last minute 18 hour flight to Bangkok with a multiple hour layover in Kuala Lumpur on the way back, survived another vicious kidney infection, had a down day at work, admired him for making me feel better, and more than ever I lived in the moment.
The last few weeks my life has turned into more of a chaos than ever before but it’s OK now because there is a certain stability in my job. Slow steps forward are getting me to the breakthrough point fast and I am ready to be all that I need to be. There is always the undercurrent of not being enough, or wanting too much from the world, but now there is enough excitement to mask over those ever present insecurities. I’m excited about building a world around myself, filling in each corner with what I consider to be important to me at the moment – the movies I should have seen long ago, the emotional maturity I should have fought for years ago, the people I need to hug closely and love more each day, the words that get past my barriers and change how I see it all, the music that I know technically so little about but try to comprehend, the courage all of this takes again.
I could cry with how happy I am to be able to take risks again. To let myself fall into the middle of it all and make the most out of it. Getting hurt is not an option because I have grown out of forever and always. Or rather, they now mean something very different – they are a promise to myself and not to others that I will be the best I can be for them. A promise to always consider their wish. A promise to belong to them on that special heart-to-heart level, but perhaps not physically, perhaps not intellectually, perhaps not in any substantial way besides the way I structure them into the fold of my heart. And I do want to cry, to balance that awful, painful feeling of being alone and sick. I feel strong enough to stand on both of my feet, going towards yet unmade decisions that are already reaching through my unconscious.
Music as of late: DJ Snake – Middle ft. Bipolar Sunshine