And so I came back from one of the most beautiful places that I’ve seen and yet I still feel the same, unchanged, and deeply hurt. And that’s just the reality, so no way to hide it in front of my friends or myself. They keep telling me that he was not worth it and that he already took enough from me, so no need for more of myself to be given away. But there is some level on which I actually like the fact that I am not as strong as others want me to be, that I cry over him and hurt like hell because he made me feel something, that I still care enough to be vulnerable and try my very best to carry someone’s weight. It may be defiance or it may be a simple act of caring too much, but I do like that about myself – the fact that I can cry over it, not want to go out, cuddle up to my pillow, and let myself experience those feelings. I was always afraid that at some point I’ll mature too much or care about other people’s opinions too much that I won’t be able to bare myself this much. But I am still there, still loving with my full heart, still jumping ahead and giving it my all. And if that isn’t enough, then it simply isn’t.
New Zealand showed me a face of utmost beauty and I took it all in, only wishing that this experience could have been more special by that one person somehow being able to experience it with me. But it wasn’t enough. Maybe I wasn’t enough. And all I can do now is to hug my pillow, not spoil other people’s night, and let myself be devastated for however long I need to be. If it again takes two years, then so be it, because there is no turning back, no taking back feelings that already rooted themselves in my body.
There is a very precise image that I have cultivated over the years of someone strong, ambitious, focused, and stubborn. Now I have to live with the consequences which include the fact that my show of emotions is either taken as a farce or manipulation. All there is to say for now is that I care, I’m in love whether I want to be or not, and I am and always will be committed to the most ridiculously romantic idea of love – one person being there for another. All I want from life is to be able to find that person and be that person for them in return. And in the meantime, I’ll return to New Zealand to let myself live the dream too, only because I deserve some small moments of happiness.
Music as of late: Devendra Banhart – First Song for B