Feels like we only go backwards

This song and this mood and this city. I am definitely missing a whiskey tumbler in my hand and the ethereal warmth that only hugs bring. But tomorrow is another day. And the day after another one. Feeling like we are going backwards is only part of the problem, the most pressing part being the fact that I am successfully fighting against my more immature instinct and giving myself fully over to delayed gratification.

Freaking delayed gratification. I definitely do not want to be an adult sometimes but can’t help trying against all odds to be reasonable. But still as reasonable as I can get, I cannot just circumvent how much I miss him and miss feeling ok next to him. It’s frustrating how long I was able to keep myself in check while still being open with my feelings and having it all come to nothing. My friend mentioned how rare and beautiful and thrilling it is to find such a connection in someone and then not being able to fulfill its potential is just too sad for me to wrap my mind around.

The truth is though that I don’t want to feel like a third wheel anymore, like the person I am ready to start a long journey with is not committed to us as a couple, or like I am being patronized for being in love. It feels awful now and empty and like my days are simply there to go by and to not accomplish anything except move me forward by a little bit only to throw me backwards again. Just a month ago everything was a chaos and now everything is so stable – Sydney is my home, I am doing well at work, extremely exciting projects are coming up for me, and I feel like I built something meaningful here. In those calm waters, I can take the pain.

Music as of late: Tame Impala – Feels Like We Only Go Backwards

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