Did you ever want it

Coming back to Sydney for a bit more than a week has been an awakening – everything feels the same but better; it feels cold but it’s energizing; the hours are slow but they are meaningful; the sun is here to stay this time around. It was so good seeing my friends and people I know, just seeing the faces of people that I can recognize felt so reassuring. I felt like I never left or like I was just asleep for a little while longer than usual.

Coming back has made it more real that I am now based in Europe. Copenhagen has not grown on me yet with the constant reminder of every shop and every person what an amazing place it is. It can be, objectively, but I don’t feel fond of it. There is a sense of people living their lives quietly and slowly, not paying attention to how close we are all to permanent confusion of fact and fiction. My new role requires a massive mind shift where a meeting becomes an accomplishment and outcomes are delivered by others instead of me. I try to soak as much of it as possible. I try to have confidence that this was the right decision.

And I know it was the right decision, I just don’t have to like it. I feel conflicted about my relationship, always trying to develop it into something more and fighting a constant refusal of my partner to focus on anything further down the line than a couple of days. I don’t see the point of living in the moment. It makes me feel like I am giving up any agency or responsibility or ownership of myself to the present moment, a moment that is never as good as it can be. It makes me feel still and stale and bored. So thinking 6 months ahead when choosing Copenhagen and choosing this new role, I know that it was the right decision. I’ll get used to it soon enough, creating a new version of myself that is the same but a bit better.

Music as of late: Michael Kiwanuka – Cold Little Heart

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