With every new day, it is harder for me to understand myself in the context in which I am in. Every day, it is just a little bit harder to see myself at a large company, to understand the processes and talks of business, to feel like there is anything to be accomplished in the targets we set out for ourselves besides the targets themselves, to be in Denmark, to be without him, to consume art and never produce any of my own, and more. Every day, it is just that little bit harder.
But I do feel close to something new. The feeling is a familiar one; it came the weeks before I quit high school without graduating; it came before every move, before going from philosophy to theoretical neuroscience and AI, from business to tech back to business, swaying without a purpose then because those were the moments when I did not have the luxury of looking back at them from now.
I am relieved that I am slowly getting this feeling again. Every decision I’ve made about my life was based on this feeling, this instinct of being close to something that felt right. I’ve had a singular focus since that first move our of Prague to the US, and soon it will be more years of living outside of my home country than in it. Soon it will be too late to pretend like I could go back to who I was at 15 and I guess that’s ok. But one aspect of that time is now coming back and that is the need to produce things, write more, build more, create pieces, finalize ideas, make shapes, and have it all mean whatever I want it to mean.
I am still failing to do what I want to be doing and I am still flailing around not knowing how or where to start. But the shape of a future I very much want is no longer so blurry and amorphous. Some things are starting to make sense again and it’s ok that it’s taking a long while.
Music as of late: Rone – Better